What Might Have Been
by cellochick373
Summary: Hmm non-canon fic, spashley, halfway attempt at smut but there's a tiny bit of plot too i promise!


So i finally got around to finishing my SON fics i had just sitting around on my compuer...let me know what you think!

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Padding down the hall on the way to the kitchen, Spencer sighed in contentment. She and Ashley were living together again, and she couldn't quite put her finger on it but somehow she already felt like things were right in the world again. She had left Ashley to go to Worthington, and she knew that maybe it was her own fault that she hadn't tried harder to make it work, but she had never expected Ashley to end it.

She knew it had killed the other girl to do it, that it was the absolute last thing that she had wanted to do, but she had said she thought that it was what was best. Somewhere in the back of her mind, Spencer had always thought that maybe there was something else that Ashley wasn't telling her about, something that had finally tipped her over the edge and caused her to break up with the blonde. Any time she had tried to press, however, she got nothing.

Ashley had completely shut herself off after the break up, and not even Kyla had known what was going on with her, where she was, or if she was even still alive. Long nights spent talking to Kyla had confirmed Spencer's belief that there was something Ashley wasn't telling her, but she apparently hadn't told Kyla either. All the smaller brunette could say was that a few days before she broke up with Spencer, Ashley hadn't come home one night, and when she finally turned up the next day she had locked herself in her room and refused to even speak to Kyla. Eventually Kyla had given up on ever finding out what had happened, and Spencer resigned herself to the same fate. The blonde had tried dating other girls in an effort to move on, but none of them had been able to compare in the slightest to Ashley.

Now that she was back in LA and living with the brunette again, Spencer was hoping that maybe she could try to find what she used to have with Ashley. She knew the spark was still there, but something else was also present, and Spencer couldn't quite place her finger on it. Making a cup of tea, Spencer sat and sipped it for a few minutes, just enjoying the feeling, before going back down the hallway.

Glancing into Ashley's room she saw the brunette sitting on a stool at the desk, staring into space. Something compelled her to go into the other girl's room, and she approached slowly from behind. Setting her coffee down on the dresser quietly, she moved behind the brunette and wrapped her arms around her. To Spencer's surprise, Ashley jumped at the touch, shying away from her.

Looking down at Ashley, Spencer saw a brief flash of fear race across her face before the brunette recognized that it was Spencer. "Sorry," she murmured, and Spencer shook her head. "I shouldn't have snuck up on you."

Something about the smaller girl just seemed so lost and almost...broken... that Spencer couldn't resist the urge to hold her tightly and never let anything hurt her. This time as the blonde's arms encircled her, Ashley leaned back into the embrace and sighed. "What are you doing up so late, Spence? It's like three in the morning."

"I could ask you the same thing," the blonde retorted, before squeezing the other girl and saying, "But to answer your question, I couldn't sleep. So what are you up to?"

"Just thinking," the brunette said quietly, still not really looking at anything in particular.

"What about?" Spencer prompted, genuinely wanting to know the answer. "Just...life," Ashley said, not sure herself how to define where her thoughts had wandered. Biting her lip briefly, she knew that that wasn't entirely true, but she couldn't very well tell Spencer what she had been thinking about.

The blonde could feel Ashley hesitating, and she decided not to push it tonight. Instead, she simply tugged the other girl to her feet, smiling at the small protesting noise that escaped the brunette's lips. "Go to bed," she whispered, leading Ashley over to the edge of the large plush bed in the center of the room. Looking up at the blonde, Ashley saw a flicker of some indiscernible emotion flash across her face as she looked between the bed and the brunette in front of her. It was gone as quickly as it had come, and Ashley felt a sense of loss, though what she had lost she couldn't tell.

As Spencer turned to leave, she was surprised to feel a hand reach out and hold her own tightly, preventing her from moving. "I'm glad you're back, Spence." The words and the emotion behind them caught at Spencer's heart, and she turned back to face the other girl. "I'm glad I'm back too," she whispered. On impulse, she leaned in and placed a gentle, lingering kiss on Ashley's cheek, relishing the brief contact. With that she turned and slowly left the room, leaving Ashley to stand there and touch the spot where Spencer's lips had just been.

Shaking her head, the brunette turned off the light and climbed into her bed. After all this time, Spencer could still turn her into lovesick mush with a single touch. Sighing, she wished briefly that there was a way to tell Spencer everything that had happened, and why she had broken up with her. A tear slid down her cheek as she tried to wipe it away, knowing that what she was considering was only wishful thinking, and that it might actually alienate Spencer even more. Exhaling forcefully into her pillow, Ashley closed her eyes and prayed for a dreamless sleep.

* * *

Spencer padded down the hallway, ready for her tea. It had become something of a ritual since that first night for her to make herself tea and then go to Ashley's room. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they just laid there together in silence, but any time spent with Ashley was heaven in Spencer's opinion. And every night, just before she left, Spencer knew that there was a brief goodnight kiss on the cheek for Ashley, and the blonde couldn't deny how much she enjoyed those few seconds.

Making the now-practiced turn into Ashley's room, Spencer sat her mug down and said softly, "Just me." Since the first night, she had tried not to do anything that might startle Ashley or catch her off guard for fear of scaring her off. Sliding her arms around the brunette, who tonight was seated on the edge of the bed, Spencer smiled as she felt the other girl melt into her immediately. Pulling her back so that they were lying together all the way on the bed, Spencer sighed deeply and began stroking Ashley's hair absentmindedly.

"Is everything ok Spencer?" Ashley asked, trying to hold down the feelings that Spencer was causing. The blonde exhaled again, oblivious to the barely-there shiver that passed through Ashley as the breath hit her neck. "It's just...do you ever wonder what might have happened?"

Ashley froze. This was not a conversation she wanted to have while lying spooned against Spencer. The blond felt the other girl tense, and whispered, "I'm sorry, you don't have to answer. I was just wondering."

"No," Ashley said, "It's ok. You just caught me a bit off guard." Sighing and thinking for a moment, she finally said, "I think about the past a lot. Things happened that shouldn't have, and that I wish more than anything I could change." This time it was Spencer who tensed a bit. The conversation had drifted painfully close to her own thoughts, but she tried to listen as Ashley continued. "As much as I focus on the past, I'm trying to keep moving. I can't change the past, much as I might dream about it, the only changes I can make are in the here and now. No use focusing on what's already happened."

Listening to the momentary silence, Spencer finally sighed and kissed the top of Ashley's head. She wasn't sure when Ashley had gotten so mature, but the brunette never ceased to amaze her. Silence reigned for a few more minutes as Spencer became more and more aware of how very close Ashley was, and how every movement of the brunette's body elicited a response from her own heated body. The brunette shifted and her body rubbed Spencer's in such a way and created such a response that the blonde knew she needed to leave if she wanted to avoid jumping Ashley's bones.

Propping herself up on her elbow, Spencer felt her body telling her to just give in and do what she so clearly wanted to do. Forcing herself to sit all the way up, Spencer looked down at Ashley and found herself met with a pair of dark chocolate orbs. Reaching down to brush a stray lock out of the other girl's face, Spencer let her hand linger against her face and watched as Ashley's eyes slid closed and her lips parted slightly. Removing her hand with difficulty, Spencer tried to regain some control over herself and leaned down to give Ashley the customary good night kiss on her cheek.

As Spencer leaned down, however, Ashley lost the internal battle she had been having since the blonde had first asked her about what might have been. The brunette turned her head at the last second, and Spencer found her lips not on Ashley's cheek but on her mouth. There was a moment of surprise, but then Ashley was kissing her and Spencer had never felt so alive. She slipped her tongue into Ashley's waiting mouth, feeling Ashley's own tongue sliding against hers, and she felt a wave of heat and desire roll over her more forcefully than she would have thought possible. Ashley's hands were pulling her back down, and Spencer fell gracefully on top of the other girl.

Her hands roamed, searching to rediscover smooth expanses of skin and warmth. Nibbling on Ashley's neck, Spencer drew back just enough that she could slowly tug the other girl's shirt off. Ashley tugged at Spencer's own shirt, clearly wanting it gone as well. As she helped Ashley slide her shirt off Spencer leaned down and kissed her deeply, trying to convey her love in that single action. Looking up at Spencer with complete adoration and love, Ashley reached up and cupped her face. "God I love you," she whispered, pulling Spencer down by the back of her neck for another searing kiss.

Spencer could feel Ashley's desire and need growing, and she let her hands skim down her body. Palming one of the brunette's breasts, Spencer kissed it briefly, knowing that she would have time to come back to it later, once the initial desire was taken care of and the edge was gone.

As her hands skimmed over Ashley's flat stomach, however, Spencer became aware of raised lines beneath her fingertips. She paused and looked down, startled to see a series of scars crisscrossing across the brunette's abdomen. Some were larger than others, but the blonde knew that they all had to have been unbelievably painful to have left scars like the ones in front of her. As she took a closer look up and down Ashley's body, Spencer noticed with growing concern other scars, and on her breast- Spencer suddenly felt like being sick.

In the dim light, she could just barely make out scars that looked to be in the shapes of teeth. Ashley opened her eyes to see why Spencer had stopped, and as she saw the look of horror on the blonde's face, reality came crashing back down around her. Grabbing a shirt from the bed, she tried to cover herself and the scars she knew Spencer had seen.

"Ashley," Spencer tried to say, but she couldn't finish the sentence. The brunette looked up at her brokenly, and Spencer could see the shame and pain and self-loathing all jumbled together in her beautiful brown eyes. Tears began to pool in Ashley's eyes, and she could barely get out the words, "I'm sorry," before running out of the room.

She knew that Spencer might come after her, and she also knew that she couldn't deal with the questions that would be asked. She opened the front door to make it look like she had left before looking for somewhere out of sight. Seeing the first place to hide that she could think of, Ashley ducked under the kitchen sink, pressing herself into the shadows as she heard Spencer call her name. She heard footsteps run past her and out the door, which slammed closed a moment later. Not moving from her spot, Ashley let the tears fall as she pulled her knees up to her chest and sobbed.

_I can't believe I forgot. For a moment, I thought it was just like old times, before everything happened. God, I never wanted her to know anything about this. Please, god, don't let her hate me. What if she jumps to conclusions about it? What if she thinks I did it to myself, that it's my fault? _

The panic gradually quieted as the brunette curled up and went to sleep in the small sanctuary of the cabinet. Spencer opened the door quietly twenty minutes later, looking around cautiously. She had walked all over the surrounding neighborhoods, with no sign of Ashley, and she was hoping beyond all hope that the brunette had made her way back home. A small sound from her left caused Spencer to wheel, but she didn't see anything. Walking slowly over, Spencer heard another small sound and looked under the sink, where the sound was coming from.

As she saw Ashley's small form curled up, Spencer felt like her heart was breaking. She gently reached in and carefully pulled the brunette out of the cabinet and onto her lap. Ashley stirred briefly, whimpering, and Spencer whispered soothingly to her until she calmed. Debating whether to move the brunette to a bed or not, Spencer finally decided to just stay with her on the kitchen floor. Holding the brunette tightly, Spencer kissed the top of her head. She didn't know what had happened, but she knew that it was killing her that something had happened to Ashley and she hadn't been there. Kyla's words suddenly flashed through her mind.

_A few days before she broke up with you, she didn't come home one night._

Fear gripped Spencer that she hadn't been there when Ashley needed her most, that she hadn't been able to sense something was so terribly wrong. The brunette whimpered again, and Spencer tried to calm her, but the other girl's movements became more and more frantic. Spencer suddenly found herself thrown back as Ashley bolted upright and out of her arms, a small cry escaping her lips. Immediately reaching out for Ashley, Spencer drew the shaking brunette back to her, murmuring soothingly and running her fingers through her hair.

As Ashley slowly came back to herself, she became aware of someone holding on to her for dear life, stroking her hair as soothing words were murmured in her ear. She slowly twined her fingers with the hand holding her around her stomach, squeezing hard. Spencer didn't acknowledge the contact in any way, just pulled the brunette a little closer to her and continued running her fingers through curly brown locks. Eventually, the blonde felt Ashley's breath even out all the way, but she still waited for the other girl to make the first move.

Long minutes passed, and Ashley finally turned in Spencer's arms and looked up at the other girl. She saw her own pain mirrored back at her, along with the guilt that Ashley had tried so hard to protect her from. She slowly reached up and touched Spencer's face gently, stroking it for a few seconds before letting her hand fall. "I'm sorry," she whispered, moving and trying to get even closer to the blonde. Looking down in surprise, Spencer said, "No, sweetie, what do you have to be sorry for?"

The brunette buried her face in Spencer's stomach, and the blonde could barely make out what she was saying. "Didn't want- not- your fault- he said-" Through the mumbled fragments, Spencer caught the important bits. _He said._ Her heart clenched painfully, and she tipped Ashley's chin up so she could hear her. "Ash, what happened? Who was he?" She could see the nervousness and fear on the brunette's face, and she pulled her closer. "I'm right here," she whispered, "I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again."

The tone of Spencer's voice and the safety her arms seemed to radiate spurred Ashley to take a deep breath. She knew that the blonde deserved to know, and that it had been wrong of her to hide this in the first place, but she was so scared that Spencer would hate her and run, or worse yet, that _he_ would keep his promise and hurt her. Trying to clear her thoughts, she told Spencer everything as quickly as possible. The blonde hold on her only got tighter as the story went on until Ashley finally stopped.

Tears streaming down her face, Spencer asked, "Why didn't you tell me? I would have been here in a heartbeat if I had known...I would have been here for you, Ash." Ashley shook her head slowly. "I didn't want to hurt you, Spence. I know it sounds stupid, but I was hurting _so much_, and I knew that it would hurt you too. I never doubted that you would come, but I wanted one of us to have a normal life for that time. Thinking of you being happy was all that got me through this whole thing." Trying to wipe her tears, Spencer finally asked, "Is this why you broke up with me?"

The brunette nodded, and Spencer felt a whole new wave of tears flood her eyes. Trying to explain and assuage the blonde's pain, Ashley said, "I was so broken, Spencer, you deserved so much better than that." Sudden anger flared in the blonde and she said, "How do you know that? I could have been the one to help piece you back together, Ash. I _would_ have been that person, if you had let me. There is nothing in this world that can even begin to compare to you, trust me. I'm not sure that I even deserve you, Ashley, so please, don't try to decide what's good enough for me."

A little scared of the sudden anger in Spencer's voice, Ashley nodded mutely. Looking down at the brunette and seeing the uncertainty in her eyes, Spencer sighed and squeezed her hand, leaning down and dropping a kiss on her forehead. "I'm sorry," she whispered, "it's just you have no idea how much I wish I could have been there for you." Ashley nodded and relaxed back into her arms, smiling as she felt Spencer pull her just a little bit closer. After a few long minutes of comfortable silence, Spencer stood, gently pulling Ashley up as well.

"Come on, let's get some sleep. We can talk more in the morning, ok?" Spencer said, watching the brunette for her response. When Ashley nodded, Spencer led them back to Ashley's bedroom, where she crawled into bed under the covers and opened her arms. Ashley fell into her embrace, snuggling as close as she could and burying her face in the blonde's chest.

Spencer stroked her hair, holding her tightly, as she allowed herself a brief moment to consider how close she had come to losing Ashley. Her chest constricted painfully at the thought, and she forced herself to focus on the fact that the girl she loved was in her arms, safe, and still alive. "I love you, Ash," Spencer whispered, kissing the top of her head tenderly.

"Love you too," Ashley mumbled, already half asleep. Closing her eyes and willing sleep to come, Spencer listened to the steady sound of Ashley breathing and waited for the morning to come.

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Hmm ok so I'm not entirely happy with it, but oh well. I dunno if I'm going to attempt a part deux for this one, it seems like a lot of work...lol reviews are love, let me know what you think!


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